Christmases When You Were Mine
by cookietme7
Summary: It's Christmastime, and Jude misses Tommy. Oneshot for now, although I'm debating writing a more hopeful follow-up, depending on feedback . Details inside. Merry Christmas!


Happy holidays, everyone! This is a somewhat somber songfic that takes place about a year after Tommy leaves his dinner with Jude in _Date With the Night, _but doesn't follow any of the show after that. It's written in Jude's POV.

Disclaimer: I do not own _Instant Star_ or the lyrics to Taylor Swift's "Christmases When You Were Mine".

When you see it in the Christmas movies hanging overhead, mistletoe always leads to either an adorably awkward moment or a heartwarming holiday kiss.

_**Please take down the mistletoe**_  
'_**Cause I don't wanna think about that right now**_

For me though, right now, seeing it adorn the doorway of my dressing room just makes me want to cry. It sucks that such a harmless little plant reminds me of you. You, and that one time where we walked into the studio laughing after a cozy ride on your bike. You, and how you glared when Kwest, with a smirk on his face, pointed out how we were standing under the mistletoe that was dangling devilishly overhead. You, and how your cheeks turned as pink as mine as we shrugged off what we both probably wanted for Christmas.

'_**Cause everything I want is miles away  
In a snow covered little town**_

I can't stand to think about moments like that, because now it's December again and Christmas lights are glittering in the moonlight, but you've been gone for months. You up and left, bursting out of the diner like it was on fire. You won't even tell me where you are, although you did mention that it was just starting to snow in your last laconic email.

_**My momma's in the kitchen, worrying about me**_

My mom came back a little after you left, you know. And if I wasn't so empty because of you I probably wouldn't have let her back into my life as easily as I did. And even though I know she never liked our relationship, she was all a broken daughter could've asked for. She listened to my heartache without a single interruption and then told me what the best remedy was for puffy eyes. But I know that she knows that lately, I've fallen back into my wallowing. It's wintertime, and I'm thinking of snowball fights outside the studio with you.

_**Season's greetings, hope you're well**_

Speaking of winter, Merry Christmas. Happy holidays. I hope you're doing well, wherever you are, whether you're producing, travelling… or falling in love.

_**Well I'm doing alright if you were wondering  
Lately I can never tell**_

I've been getting by fine without you, I guess. I keep clinging onto your terse emails in your generic Arial font, asking me how I am. I like to pretend that you really do care, because truthfully I can't tell if you're only exchanging forced pleasantries anymore.

_**I know this shouldn't be a lonely time  
But there were Christmases when you were mine**_

Everyone whirls around me in a puff of Christmas joy as I sit slouched in front of the computer. I know I should be joining them, laughing as I hang decorations, but I keep remembering what it was like to spend Christmastime with you.

_**I've been doing fine without you, really  
Up until the nights got cold**_

Honestly, I think I was fine until winter hit again. I had finally pushed you out of the forefront of my mind until that winter-opening snowfall. It wasn't until that first frozen flake hit my nose that I relapsed and remembered you, and your soft leather jacket around my shivering shoulders. You, and your blanket in the studio for the long, cold nights.

_**And everybody's here, except you, baby  
Seems like everyone's got someone to hold**_

You, and your perpetually warm embrace.

_**But for me it's just a lonely time**_  
'_**Cause there were Christmases when you were mine**_

But now I just zip up my own coat and wrap my arms tightly around my body when I'm waiting for my studio time. And I try to remain unfazed when I see Kwest and Sadie snuggle up as they open the G-Major doors to brave the cold outside, or when I see Jamie and Kat walking arm-in-arm up his driveway after a brisk night's walk.

_**Merry Christmas everybody  
That'll have to be something I just say this year**_

I try to keep my confident façade up, smiling at everyone and wishing them their "merry Christmas." I just wish I felt it too.

_**I'll bet you got your mom another sweater  
And were your cousins late again?**_

I wonder if you've gone back to your family. You told me how when you were little, you would always get her a brightly-colored cardigan from the local department store. You would rave about your family dinners, always pausing with a gleam in your eye to lament the tardiness of your cousins. Are you spending Christmas with them?

_**When you were putting up the lights this year  
Did you notice one less pair of hands?**_

Maybe you're already back in Toronto, hiding in your apartment. Do you remember when I showed up unannounced at your place with a box of Christmas lights? You'd been going on and on about how you'd never decorated for the holidays since you'd moved out of your parents' house, and I was determined to change that. Did you hang lights and tinsel this year, alone?

_**I know this shouldn't be a lonely time  
But there were Christmases when I didn't wonder how you are tonight**_

I wonder what you're doing for Christmas. I wonder if you're spending it alone, or if you have a new girlfriend. I wonder if you're happier with her than you were with me. I wonder if you're happier alone than you were with me.

I wonder if you wonder about me too.

'_**Cause there were Christmases when you were mine**_

A year ago, I knew what you were doing for Christmas. I knew that you were going to spend it alone, until I made you come to the G-Major Christmas party with me. I knew you were happy with me, although I didn't know you were going to be leaving just a few days after. But when you did, I knew I missed you. And if your initial phone calls were to be trusted, I knew you missed me too.

_**You were mine **_

Merry Christmas, Tommy. I hope you found whatever it is that took you far away from me… and maybe, just maybe, we'll spend next Christmas together again.

* * *

I wrote this pretty quickly, so I apologize for any typos or awkward grammar or things of that sort. I'd been wanting to write something for a while, and for some reason I heard this song and thought it might make a decent oneshot for our favorite troubled G-Major duo. Read and review, and happy holidays. :]


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